Originally published in Guilty Crime Story Magazine, Issue 10

(Feb 8, 2024, edited by Brandon Barrows)

“The Housebreakers”

by Victor De Anda

I’d seen this kind of shit before, it reminded me of the last time I saw my father. But for Theo and Cedric, it was like playing cops and robbers. Officer Davis, one of Lynchburg’s finest, glared at us and waved his gun toward the back door. “You boys best head out back, if you know what’s right,” he said. His left arm dripped blood onto the carpet. 

“You mean you’re not going to arrest us?” I said.

Officer Davis cocked his head. “Go home, all of you. Don’t let me see you again.”

#

Let me back up two weeks. Theo, Cedric, and I were just out of Glass High for the summer and celebrating our latest heist at the local Slim Chickens. Our take was about five hundred in cash this time, so we ordered a big meal to treat ourselves. Our M.O. was simple—we only hit vacant homes while people were away or on vacation. Just in and out, no weapons.

“Guys, I’ve got our next target,” Cedric said. He was the brains of our group, a first-generation Chinese-American who could see every angle and figure out how to sneak into a house undetected.

Theo grabbed a fistful of fries. “Shouldn’t we lay low for a bit? That’s what we always do.” Theo was our muscle and the voice of reason, a biracial badass who always had our backs in a fight. He liked to say he got the best of both worlds—his Black dad’s physique and his Italian mom’s common sense.

Me, I was the Latin lover and charming leader of our ragtag team. I typically acted as the lookout and distracted folks while the other guys did the heavy lifting. I could talk my way out of anything.

I glanced at Cedric. “Theo’s right, I’m not sure we should hit another place so soon.”

“I’m telling you, this could be our biggest grab,” Cedric said. “I’ve had my eye on a place for two weeks now.”

He dropped a napkin on the table and began to draw on it with a ballpoint pen. “Lately, we’ve been hitting places in Woodland,” he said, crudely sketching out the neighborhood streets of Lynchburg. “But Garland Hill’s what we should be aiming for.”

“Yeah?” I said. 

Theo chimed in. “My mom used to clean houses over there. She told me how big some of those places are. Five to seven bedrooms, with too many bathrooms.”

“Sounds pretty rich to me,” I said.

Cedric took a bite of his chicken tender. “Exactly. And I know just the house, too. You guys in?”

“So far you’re not selling me,” Theo said.

I stole a fry from Cedric’s plate. “I’m with Theo.”

“Fine,” Cedric said. “Let me show you, then.”

#

Twenty minutes later, Cedric pulled the car over near the corner of Madison and Third Streets, across from the proposed target. The house looked like the castle in a fairy tale, complete with a corner tower and wraparound porch. It was three stories high.

“It’s a fucking mansion,” I said.

Cedric looked in the rearview mirror at me. “See the standalone garage at the corner of the yard? The back door to the house is about fifty feet away from that. That’s our entry point.”

Theo took a sip of his soda. “A place like this has got to have an alarm system. How many occupants?”

“Far as I can tell, there’s only one person who lives here,” Cedric said. “Some withering old guy in a wheelchair. He’s got a bouncer-looking dude who helps him get in and out of the house and takes him places. Probably a nurse or something.”

Cedric’s description made me think of my dad, when he was near the end. I scooped out a spoonful of my chocolate brownie pudding jar. “Theo’s right. Have you seen the helper guy entering any security codes for an alarm?”

Cedric shrugged. “Not once in the two weeks I’ve been watching. I’m telling you, this place is ripe.”

“Any dogs?” I said.

“Nope.”

“They must be home all the time then. We’ve got to find a different target,” Theo said.

Cedric shook his head. “The old man and his friend leave the house every Tuesday and Thursday around 1:30 for an hour or so. Must be doctor’s appointments or something. That’s our window.”

I stuck my head out of the car to take in the honey scented Sweetspire shrubs around us. “Say we get into the house without causing a ruckus,” I said. “We don’t even know what kind of stuff the old man’s got. It could all be junk.”

“There could be also some valuable shit,” Cedric said.

Theo shrugged. “What if there’s a sick person in there who never leaves?”

“Now you’re just making shit up,” Cedric said.

“No dog and no one else home? Almost sounds too easy,” I said. 

Theo agreed. “Exactly.”

Cedric turned to look at me and Theo. “We’re the Housebreakers, we’ve got this. When’s the last time we got caught?”

“Like, never,” Theo said.

Cedric smiled. “Exactly. And we’ve been doing this since fifth grade. What have we got to lose?”

“Besides getting arrested and not graduating high school?” I said. “Not much.”

Theo looked at me, then at Cedric. “What’s the play, then?”

“We do the Domino’s delivery bit,” Cedric said. “We can use my brother’s car and sign.”

I laughed out loud. “Three pizza guys showing up to the same place? That won’t attract attention at all.”

Cedric gave me the side eye. “We won’t all go in at the same time, smart ass. I’ll get the door unlocked first. Then Theo will come in after me. You can join us if you like.”

“Staggered entry, makes sense,” Theo said. He peeked at me. “What do you say, boss?”

I shook my head. “What the hell, why not. If there’s trouble though, I say we abort and get the fuck out of there.”

“Fair enough,” Cedric said. “It’ll be good, you’ll see.”

#

Now it’s Tuesday, about one o’clock in the afternoon. We drove down the cobblestone streets of Garland Hill, the dogwood trees swaying in the summer breeze. The leaves pushing towards us, as if to shoo us away. 

Cedric parked around the corner from the target so we could have eyes on the garage. “The helper should be here any minute in his van. He parks right in front of the garage there and brings the old man out the back door.”

My polyester Domino’s shirt was so big I was drowning in it. An XL instead of my usual M. “Where’d your brother get these outfits anyways?”

“They’re all he could steal from work, so suck it up,” Cedric said.

Just then a dingy white van pulled up. It was the bouncer dude, just like Cedric mentioned. He got out of the driver’s seat and ambled to the back door. He was built like a tank, with arms like Popeye’s. 

“That guy is jacked,” Theo said.

Bouncer dude unlocked the back door and went inside.

“No alarm?” I said. “This is good.”

Cedric turned around to look at me in the back seat, his Domino’s hat sliding off his head. “See? What’d I tell you?”

A minute later, the back door swung open and we got our first glimpse of the old man in his manual wheelchair. He was bony as hell with pasty skin and the worst toupee I’d ever seen. Theo and I laughed. 

“Some hairpiece, looks like a Tribble sitting on top of his head,” Theo said. 

Cedric looked at his watch. “It’s 1:17 now. Once they leave, we’ve got an hour tops to get in and get out.”

After loading up the old man in the van, Bouncer dude turned the ignition key and pulled out into the street. They turned the corner at Madison and drove away. 

“We’re on,” Cedric announced. “Everyone got their walkies?” 

Theo held his up. “Got mine.”

“Fuck, I knew I forgot something,” I said.

Cedric rolled his eyes at me and motioned to Theo. “Give Hugo your walkie. And hand me a pizza box.”

Theo and I watched Cedric as he crossed the street and walked through the gated wrought iron fence that surrounded the property. No one else on the street so far. Cedric crouched down at the back door and started working on the lock with his tools. 

Theo looked at me. “Does Cedric ever talk about girls with you?”

“Not really,” I said.

“Me neither” Theo said. “Think he’s gay?”

“Who cares,” I said. “Besides, I think Cedric’s got crime on the brain. My dad was the same way. For him, there was only one thing in life—stealing. He didn’t care much about anything else, not me or my mom.”

The walkie squawked. “I’m in, you copy?”

I pressed the button to talk. “Roger that, sending Theo in.”

I handed Theo another pizza box, along with an empty duffel bag. “If anything happens in there, grab Cedric and get the fuck out.”

Theo crossed the street and disappeared into the house. No dog barking, which was a good sign. A young couple with a baby stroller puttered by on the sidewalk, staring at me as they passed the car. I pretended to check at my cell phone as they turned the corner.

“Hugo, you’ve got to check out this place, it’s like a museum in here,” Cedric said, the walkie distorting his voice. 

I pushed the talk button on my walkie. “I’m the lookout, remember? I’ve got to stay out here in case they come back. Just take some pictures, I’ll look at them later.”

I heard a loud, creaking sound from their end. “Holy shit, what is that?” Cedric and Theo said in unison.

“Everything ok?” I said.

“This…is seriously fucked up,” Cedric said. “Dude, you HAVE to see this.”

I checked the street again. Still clear. “I need to be out here, in case you’ve forgotten already.”

Another crackle and Theo came over the walkie. “Hugo, you’re not going to believe this shit. Get in here, now.”

I snatched another pizza box and shoved the car door open. “For fuck’s sake, I’m coming. Just for a minute or two.” 

I stepped through the back door of the house and back in time. It was full of old furniture and smelled like Ben-gay and dust. Just like a haunted house from the Saturday afternoon matinees on TV. The place was ginormous. “In here,” Theo said in the distance.

“Check this out!” Cedric said to Theo.

I followed their voices down the hallway to a large armoire, its doors wide open. Instead of shelves inside, there was another doorway, just like that story about the lion and the witch. Inside, the secret room was filled with books and antiques. Framed pictures hung on the walls and curios sat inside of glass cases.

The three of us stood aghast, scanning the ephemera everywhere. Pinned to the back wall hung a weathered Ku Klux Klan uniform, looking like a dissected frog laid out. It was darkened by smoky smudges.

“Holy fuck,” I said.

Theo pointed to the front page of a framed evening edition of the Charleston Mercury, dated 1865. “This headline says that Lee never surrendered to Grant! It says that the Civil War never ended!”

I stared into the various display cases, each one storing its own disturbing souvenirs. A folded Nazi banner, burnt at the edges. A Cross of Iron. A first edition of Mein Kampf.

Cedric grabbed his duffel bag and threw it over his shoulder. It clanged. “I grabbed a bunch of silverware,” he said. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Theo said. 

“Me too,” I said.

The back door of the house creaked open and the three of us froze.

Two male voices wafted down the hall. It had to be the old guy and Bouncer dude. 

“I could’ve sworn I locked the door,” Bouncer dude said. 

“You think they could’ve called us to say the doctor had an emergency and had to step out,” the old man said. “Did they charge us for this visit?”

“It’s the Jews, I’m telling you, Grandpa. They all want your money.”

My heart pounded in my ears, my hands trembled. We’d have to make a run for it once the old guy and his Bouncer dude walked past the armoire.

“Why the hell’s that armoire open?” Bouncer dude said. “I didn’t leave it like that.”  

“Take me to the head, Bill.”

“Just a minute,” said Bill the Bouncer. “Let me check something.” 

Heavy footsteps filled the air, followed by the CLACK-CLACK of a 20-gauge being racked. 

Cedric, Theo, and I stood unmoving, our eyes darting between each other and the open armoire door. The only way out was the back door. And I wasn’t about to charge towards a guy holding a shotgun. 

“I gotta drain the lizard!” the old man yelled.

“Shut up, Grandpa.”

“Don’t you tell me to shut up, boy.” 

“Old man, did you leave that door open? I’ve told you a million times—”

“Fucking fiddlesticks, now I pissed myself,” the old man said. “I told you I had to go.”

“For Christ’s sake, Grandpa. Let’s get you to the bathroom and clean you up.”

We heard Bill the Bouncer push the old man’s wheelchair down a different hallway to the bathroom. It was now or never. I motioned to Cedric and Theo. They nodded ‘yes.’

I led the way out as Cedric brought up the rear. We tiptoed toward the back door when there was a clamor behind me. I turned and saw Cedric standing motionless, a pained smile on his face. His duffel bag must’ve come unzipped, emptying all the stolen silverware onto the floor. We were dead.

“What the hell was that?” said Bill the Bouncer in the distance. Frantic footsteps followed. He would see us all standing there unless we did something. 

“Run!” whispered Theo. 

I was turning the doorknob to the back door when I heard Bill the Bouncer as if he were right next to me.

“Hold it right there, boys.” I turned around, my hands in the air. Cedric and Theo had theirs up too. Bill the Bouncer trained his 20-gauge on us and smiled, revealing three silver teeth in his mouth. He had a crazed look in his eyes, just like my dad the last time I saw him. “You can’t leave just yet.”

A whirring sound grew closer and closer. It was the old man, now in his motorized wheelchair and naked from the waist down.

“For fuck’s sake Bill, I’m as bare-assed as a newborn. What’s this?”

“What I’ve been trying to tell you, Grandpa. These boys broke into the house.”

Theo tried to reason with them. “We’ll just put everything back the way we found it, no harm, no foul. Sound good?”

Bill the Bouncer looked giddy. “We’re beyond that now. You boys could be looking at five to twenty for breaking and entering.”

Grandpa pulled a .22 pistol from under his pale white ass. “We got ourselves a regular rainbow coalition here, don’t we, Bill?” The old man nudged the joystick control on his wheelchair forward so as to get a better look at us. “There’s one of each here. Black, brown, and yellow, how about that?”

“That’s right, Grandpa,” said Bill the Bouncer. “What do you want to do with them?”

“Call the police. And get me some pants.”

“Okay, can you handle them?”

Grandpa kept his pistol on us, his hands shaking from Parkinson’s, I guessed. “Boy, I was doing this shit when you were nothing more than a stain on your momma’s underpants. I got this.” 

Bill the Bouncer pulled out his cell phone and slowly walked into another room to make the call.

Grandpa straightened his posture and seemed like a new man. “Bill’s not the brightest bulb in the pack, but he means well. How long have you three been thievin’?”

“Don’t answer that,” Cedric said. 

I looked at the guys. “A while now, sir,” I said. “Do we really need to bring the police into this? We’ll return everything and you won’t ever see us again.”

Grandpa looked over at Cedric, whose face was wet with tears. “Why you crying, China man? No need to be scared.”

“I don’t want to die,” said Cedric.

Grandpa held a laugh inside. “No one’s dying today,” he said. “Unless you do something stupid.”

The old man moved even closer towards us.

“No sir, I want to offer you boys a job,” said Grandpa. “See all this stuff in my house? You think I paid for it with my Social Security checks? Shit, I stole it all.”

“Okay,” said Theo. “So you’re a thief too. Why are you telling us this?”

Grandpa tapped his pistol on his chin like he was thinking something fierce. “‘Cause I want you to steal something for me,” he said. “I’m too old to run around like I used to.”

I looked over at Theo and Cedric. Their faces had WTF? written all over them. Grandpa didn’t know what he was saying, he was off his meds. Had to be.

Bill the Bouncer walked back into the room and Grandpa slumped, his head hanging low. “Cops are on their way, Grandpa,” he said. “Cover yourself up, no one want’s to see your withered old junk.” He threw a knit blanket at Grandpa.

The old man stared at Bill. “While we wait for the police, why don’t you go fix us some lemonade? These boys must be thirsty. Am I right?”

Theo, Cedric, and I looked at each other. “That—sounds good, sir,” Theo said. 

“Alright, then,” said Grandpa. “Get to it, Bill.”

With a huff, Bill the Bouncer put his shotgun down and headed to the kitchen. 

Grandpa straightened up again like a puppet being pulled up by its strings. “Now what do you boys say? If you agree to work for me, I’ll drop the charges when the police get here. Otherwise, it could be five to twenty in the pen. You all want to graduate high school, don’t you? You boys look about that age.”

Cedric spoke up. “Doesn’t sound like much of a choice, sir.”

Grandpa smiled. “Son, you’ll find that life is full of such predicaments. Situations that don’t give you much choice at all. How you deal with them is a test of your character.”

“My father never thought he had choices, but he did,” I said. “He just chose to ignore them all.”

The old man turned to me. “Well it sounds like your daddy understood himself,” Grandpa said. “Can’t blame him for that.” He relaxed in his wheelchair when Bill the Bouncer came back with the lemonade.

Bill handed out the glasses when there was a knock on the front door and a voice. “Lynchburg PD, you called for us?”

“Get that, would you?” said Grandpa, motioning to his grandson.

Bill stepped away to answer the door.

“So what’s it going to be boys? Work for me or go to jail?”

I looked at Theo and Cedric. “What is it you want stolen?”

“A rare collectible,” the old man said.

Bill and the policeman were walking down the hall toward us. 

“What more could you want,” I said. “This house is full of stuff.”

“There’s one thing I don’t have,” Grandpa said. “My neighbor down the street’s got it. You boys ever heard of a Luftwaffe Dagger?”

Theo spoke up. “Let me guess, it’s a Nazi thing.”

I stared at the carpet on the floor. “Steal your trinket or do some time.” I shrugged and looked over at Cedric and Theo. They nodded in silence. “I guess we’ll do your thievin’ for you.”

With a smile, Grandpa tucked the .22 under his lap blanket.

Bill and the cop joined us. “These are the boys in question, Officer Davis,” Bill said. “We caught them inside the house. They must’ve broken in through the back door.”

Officer Davis, a Black man, leaned in and patted us down. “Is that right boys?” he said. “Now why would you go and do something like that?”

“Just for the thrill of it, sir,” Cedric said. He was always a quick thinker. “We were going to put everything back.”

Theo smiled. “Yes sir, it’s just a game we like to play, that’s all,” he said.

Grandpa rolled up to Officer Davis. “Now officer, I’ve been speaking to these boys and I believe them. I don’t think they meant any harm. They were in the middle of putting everything back when we came home.”

Officer Davis looked puzzled. “So let me get this straight, you’re not pressing charges?” 

“Grandpa, what in the hell are you talking about?” Bill said. “You’ve gone simple. Officer, pay no mind to this old man, he gets a bit crazy sometimes.”

Grandpa raised his voice. “Godammit Bill, just shut your mouth for a minute. I meant what I said. I’m not pressing charges.”

Bill moved closer to the old man. “You just pissed yourself, old man. What do you know?”

“I’ve got an idea, officer,” I said. “We’ll finish putting back the things we stole and you can be our witness.”

“That sounds good,’ Grandpa said. 

Officer Davis frowned. “Alright, but I’m watching all of you. I’ve already called in backup.”

I plucked the silverware off the floor and stuffed it back into Cedric’s duffel bag. I led the group back down the hallway towards the armoire, which was now closed.

I stopped and pointed at it. “The silverware came from in there, officer.”

Bill and Grandpa protested. “That’s not where it goes, officer. They took it from the dining room. This here’s where we keep the china.”

I opened the armoire to reveal the inner door. 

“What the hell,” said Officer Davis. “Is that another room inside?”

“Yes sir,” said Theo. “We can show you if you let us.”

Bill stood in front of the door, blocking it. “This is highly illegal, officer,” he said. “I don’t believe you have a search warrant, now do you?”

Officer Davis gently pushed Bill away from the door. “Sir, when you called the police, you said it was a burglary in progress. There’s probable cause and now it seems like you’ve got something to hide. What is it?”

Bill stepped aside as he looked at Grandpa and shrugged. 

“This is private property, officer,” Grandpa said. “I know my rights.”

Officer Davis drew his sidearm and opened the inner door, scoping out the insides. “What the hell?” 

Me, Cedric and Theo rushed into the secret room with Officer Davis and shut the door behind us. We heard a ruckus out in the hallway. Grandpa and Bill were yelling and carrying on. Footsteps running. Bill was going for his shotgun, I guessed.

Officer Davis scanned the room, confused. “This is where you took the silverware from?” Then he spotted all of the KKK hood and robe. “Oh shit.”

Gunshots.

Like cracks in the air. Grandpa emptied his .22 into the door behind us.

Officer Davis turned towards the door, motioning for us to hit the deck. “Everybody down!” A couple of bullets tore through the wooden door, shattering glass all around us. Officer Davis took a hit to the shoulder, he staggered from the shot. Theo, Cedric, and me hugged the floor, hands on our heads. Officer Davis dropped to one knee and returned fire.  

More footsteps from outside, then a roar from Bill. “Fuck you all, mother fuckers!” He unloaded his 20-gauge into the armoire door and it sounded like a cannonball hitting the side of a pirate ship. He re-racked the shotgun and fired off another shot. More splintered wood flew through the air.

Grandpa popped off a few more shots and everything went silent. “Dammit Bill, I’m out!”

More stomping around. They had to be reloading. Officer Davis stood up and set his sights on the door.

BLAM. CRACK.

Something struck the door, the wood groaned as it splintered. Another thwack and I looked up. It was the heel of an axe embedded in the door. 

“Stand down or I’ll shoot again,” said Officer Davis.

Someone yanked the axe from the door. More footsteps. CRASH. The door gave way as Bill kicked the door in. Axe in hand, he raised it toward Officer Davis.  

Another gunshot.

Bill went down. Officer Davis winged him in the right shoulder.  

Officer Davis straddled Bill, turned him on his stomach and cuffed him. Bill screamed in pain. 

Theo, Cedric, and I slowly stood up. “Where’d the old man go?” I said.

Officer Davis motioned for us to stay put. “You boys stay here, understand? The old man’s not going to get far.” 

We all rushed past Officer Davis. “Let’s get Grandpa,” Theo said.

“Get back here!” yelled Officer Davis as we left him behind.

We stepped out into the hallway and heard a whizzing sound in the distance. Grandpa was making a getaway. But to where?

“He’s going for more ammo!” Cedric said.

The whizzing grew louder. Grandpa was getting closer but there was no sign of him. 

“Ahhhhhh!!!” Grandpa yelled as he turned the corner from another hallway. He had his .22 pointed straight ahead and was popping off random shots at us as he shifted his wheelchair into high gear. “Get down!” I yelled. Grandpa barreled toward us. 

The shots whistled around us, hitting the surrounding walls. Grandpa couldn’t hit the side of a barn. We leaped out of his path as he zoomed past us and then pulled a 180, causing his wheelchair to skid and his toupee to fly off. He kept pulling the trigger on his pistol, but he was out of ammo again. “Goddamn piece of shit,” he cursed.

I stood up and walked toward him when I heard Officer Davis behind me. “Step away, son! Do you hear me?”

I ignored the voice and stepped up to Grandpa. His face was twisted and pasty. My right hand clenched into a fist. “This is for my old man,” I said. “He chose thieving instead of me and my mom.” Then I cold-cocked Grandpa in the face. After taking the punch, he spat out some blood and stared at me, defiant.

“That’s enough, young man,” said Officer Davis, his voice booming from behind. “Step away from the geezer.” 

I lifted my hands in the air and shuffled back as Officer Davis nudged me out of the way. He snatched the gun from Grandpa and cuffed him. “You boys are in a lot of trouble,” he said. 

Theo and Cedric slowly walked up. “Why are we in trouble?” Theo said. 

A police siren blared in the distance, moving closer.

“I was talking to the old man, not you kids,” said Officer Davis. 

Cedric looked at me and Theo, then at the officer. “So that’s it, you’re letting us go?”

Officer Davis applied pressure to his bleeding shoulder. “You didn’t steal anything else, did you?”

“No sir,” said Theo. “That’s it.”

The siren was closer now.

“Alright then,” said Officer Davis. “You should all leave before my backup gets here. I’ve already got too much paperwork to fill out, I don’t need any more.”

“But the Nazis called you to the house because of us,” I said. “How are you going to explain that?”

“Leave that to me,” Officer Davis said. 

He glared at us and waved his gun toward the back door. “You boys best head out the back, if you know what’s right,” he said. 

“You mean you’re not going to arrest us?” I said.

Officer Davis cocked his head. “Go home, all of you. Don’t let me see you again.”

“Thank you” I said.

As Theo, Cedric, and I walked away, I stole another look at Grandpa and Bill. Both of them handcuffed and angry. Cursing at me under their breath. Just like my father did when I turned him in.